Posted by in Laughter

Whether you’re listening to The Cranberries or playing the latest co-op FPS, you need to be prepared to handle a zombie.  When the real apocalypse comes, you need to know where to find a crowbar.  In fact, I’ve compiled a good list of advice we should all take for the impending terror.

Gun rights are rubbish.  I’m not saying that we need to ban guns.  Quite the contrary!  I’m saying that we need to start tracking where all the guns are.  Let’s face it:  a crowbar will only get you so far.  It lets you get too close to the zombies.  You need something that can spray lead at a rate of very fast.  The bigger the gun, the better.  Shotguns are great, assault weapons are great, sniper rifles allow you to lazily pick zombies off from a distance….  But we need a national inventory of weapons so that we can resupply more easily.  I would also suggest moving farther south.  Even if we don’t ever have a national index of guns, every other house in the deep south is a veiled armory, so that’s a good place to be.

If you are white, you need a black friend.  If you are black, you need a white friend.  If you are neither of those, all I can say is get a white friend and a black friend.  There isn’t enough documented evidence to provide adequate direction for you.  Have you ever seen a zombie film or game?  From the information I’ve gathered, it is nearly impossible to survive in a mono-racial society when the zombies come.  I should also mention that you need someone of the opposite gender on your team.  This is essential for survival.  It’s also essential for the other obvious thing.

Get a catchphrase.  Don’t get a lame one.  If you don’t survive, you don’t want to be remembered by saying, “Whoa, you’re going to kill me, you undead zombie… NOT!!!”  Also, wear glasses.  Then you can remove them dramatically while saying your catchphrase.

Stay calm.  Screaming will get you nowhere.  Actually, screaming will just draw zombies to you.  Keeping calm will allow you to think more clearly.  It will make your shot steadier.  If you can remain extremely calm, you may actually be able to trick the zombies.  This is completely unproven, though.  Don’t quote me on that.

Use a bicycle.  I know they never use them in the movies, but it should be obvious.  Cars run out of gas.  Running is no good because the zombies can also do that.  I’m fairly certain that zombies do not retain the ability to pedal a bike.  It’s the perfect getaway vehicle.

If you do eventually turn into a zombie, try to become one of those giant ones.  You don’t want to be part of the main swarm.  That’s just boring.  Some hot-shot sniper will pick you off and make some snide remark about how you are such an idiot for letting yourself become a zombie (and a lame one) in the first place.  If you are going to be a zombie, be the biggest zombie ever.  If you figure out what exactly it is that accomplishes that, please let me know.  Currently, no human has found the formula.

One last piece of advice:  dress nicely and practice good hygiene, especially if you turn into a zombie.  If you’re human and look gross, you will be mistaken for a zombie.  If you are a zombie that looks nice, it’s a lot easier to sneak up on unsuspecting humans.  Being overdressed is underrated.


I get a kick out of zombie stuff.  Every zombie movie or game speaks of the zombie apocalypse as if it’s a sure thing.  Some monster movies try to take themselves too seriously and go out of their way to make you believe it’s possible.  Zombie movies and games don’t do that.  They just start with the assumption that everybody in the world knows that a zombie apocalypse is going to happen and give you an artist’s rendering of how it could happen.  Then they explain to you how to survive.  They could be government-funded training films, for all we know….